"Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life" by Texas Bix Bender
There's more ways to skin a cat than stickin' his head in a boot jack and jerkin' on his tail.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
When dealin' with a slick son of a b...., start off by pinnin' him down and changin' his oil.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.
The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.
Never miss a good chance to shutup.